Im feeling really under the weather. like my whole world has just collapsed and my future is all gone. i want to be grateful for i have done. and i think i have done my best but NO i think i didnt. The nerve wreck was just too much! i was too freaking nervous like it's not just myself who was the only one trembling to death but the whole world was joining with me too.
Now I keep on blaming myself for being nervous like whyyy youuu parasympathetic nerveeee shut downnn for a moment!!!! that time was no time for nervous! and because i did feel nervous so i had doomed myself literally. because i think i can do better and better and waaaayyyyyy better! just because this adrenalin running through my vessels had ruined everything i had been preparing!!! ARGHHH!

summary, i had been fooling myself giving false hope that i can work under pressure, i can quickly calm myself after a shocking incident and bla bla bla .. because that is all bullshit and maybe even worse!

i hate love myself